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The GOP Autopsy
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Galaxy Turns Out to be Smudge on Telescope Lens

1/6/14 – Mount Rahavi, CA

Astronomers at the Mount Rahavi Observatory in California were a bit red-faced this morning when they were forced to admit that a new galaxy they had “discovered” back in May turned out to be simply a smudge on their super-powered telescope...[read on]
Better to be Bad
by Juan Caldera
Arizona Lawmakers Consider Next Completely Stupid Law They Can Pass to Win “Most Racist State” Label

Phoenix - 2/28/14

Fresh off of their attempt to limit the rights of members of the LGBT community under the guise of religious freedom, Arizona lawmakers are already considering the next completely stupid...[read on]
Yakov Smirnoff Looking Forward to Next Cold War

Branson, Missouri – 3/3/14

“This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for!” Ukranian-born comedian Yakov Smirnoff declared yesterday.

Smirnoff, whose comic career toppled with the toppling of the Soviet Union, has been living in relative obscurity in Missouri since 1992, where he operates a theater and teaches at Drury and Missouri State Universities...[read more]
Rand Paul Voted Craziest Republican

National Harbor, MD – 3/8/14

Rand Paul has succeeded in winning the CPAC straw poll, officially making him the world’s craziest Republican politician.

Mr. Paul managed to beat out some tough GOP competition, including fellow senator and self-appointed messiah Ted Cruz...[read more]
Pope John Paul II to be Made a Saint for the Miracle of Making Child Molestation Charges Disappear

Vatican City – 4/25/14

Pope Francis has announced that Pope John Paul II, along with Pope John XXIII and Superbowl XLII, will be made saints this Sunday during a ceremony at the Vatican.

John XXIII will be sainted because somebody somewhere once prayed to him and happened to get better...[read more]
The Only Top Ten List You'll Ever Need

1. Teamwork is great – so long as you get all the credit.

2. Always strive to be the best. This way you’re guaranteed to be an unconscionable asshole.

3. Never be afraid to try. In fact, go jump off a cliff right now. You might die, but at least you were willing to give it a try.

4. Be pedantic. Always be preaching to others. Make lists for them to govern their lives by, even though you’re in no way qualified to do so...[read more]
Beauty and “The Beast” Set to Divorce

Fantasyland, June 30th, 2014

It was a fairy tale romance that has since gone downhill. Belle, also known simply as “Beauty,” and The Prince, also known as The Beast (no longer for any beastly appearance, but for his apparent prowess in the bedroom), had been happily married since 1991. But now their happily ever after has turned into a messy divorce, with accusations of excessive spending, cheating, and even bestiality.
​[read more]
Israel and Palestine: The Media Bandwagon Gets it Wrong Again (serious commentary)

I want you to imagine a terrible scenario. Let’s pretend that Mexico has elected a government that, in its mission statement, is dedicated to the destruction of the United States – dedicated to the complete annihilation of our country. For the sake of argument, we’ll pretend that we wouldn’t bomb them into submission or invade their country for that very act alone. Now let’s imagine that three Americans hitchhiking around Mexico are kidnapped around the Mexican border, and that there are strong indications...[read more]
Gingrich Saves Us Again by Coming Up with a Plan to Put Immigrant Children to Work

Atlanta, Georgia – 7/25/14

The brilliant and amazing Newt Gingrich, former presumed (by himself) Republican presidential candidate and current Moon President, has finally rescued us from ourselves by single-handedly solving the border crisis. Mr. Gingrich, who once proclaimed that he thinks “grandiose thoughts,” has thunk one that will solve the crisis and, he claims, add to the economy: put the little buggers to work. [read more]
Professional Finger Tapper to Join New York Philharmonic

8/27/14

In an effort to attract a new audience to the genre, including more “Millennials,” the New York Philharmonic has hired its “Tapper” – a man whose only instrument is his bare hand.

Derek Peskin, 29, a Long Island native, has contracted with the Philharmonic to use his “finger-tapping melodies” to help the struggling organization.

To some, it is a brilliant move that will bring both attention and modernization to one of the world’s finest orchestras; to others it represents the lowest point of the art and perhaps the downfall of classical theater...[read more]
Bird’s Eye View: Praise and Criticism for John Oliver

8/27/14 - Serious Commentary

Let me start by saying that I find John Oliver to be extremely funny and that I’m looking forward to his return on September 7th. I felt he did an extraordinary job filling in for Jon Stewart and his new show on HBO has had some fantastic moments.

That being said, I feel that Mr. Oliver would be both funnier and more effective if he and his staff were more careful than the media types they make fun of...[read more]
Scientists Finally Settle Toilet Paper Roll Debate

South Hampton, Long Island – 10/27/14

It’s been a furious debate for many years, often disrupting relationships, producing hours of unending arguments, and leaving combatants exasperated. But finally, after an intense, six-month study, scientists at the South Hampton Institute of Technology appear to have settled one of the great controversies of our time: Over or under?

Yes, we now have an answer to that immortal question that has wreaked havoc in the bathroom. Dr. Benjamin Peskin, who led the team investigating this highly contentious matter, issued the following statement yesterday...[read more]
Top Ten Things Assholes Say

Read our list of things assholes and see if you fit the bill. Also feel free to suggest your own.

10. “You’re gonna blow the whole thing!”

Example: In the middle of some sort of business deal, right after you just screwed up and upset the client: “Dammet, you’re gonna blow the whole thing!”

Of course, there are exceptions to this. For instance, if you were the director on a porno set giving instructions.

9. “Make yourself useful.”

[read more - Dooooo it!]
Brian Williams Comes Clean About His Civil War Service

2/13/15

Already under scrutiny for his Iraq War claims, NBC News anchor Brian Williams has finally made a full mea culpa about his Civil War service.

Having previously claimed that he helped repel Pickett’s charge and that he was with Grant at Petersburg, Williams now admits that he may simply have “misremembered events,” confusing actual experience with watching a Ken Burns documentary.

[You want to read more! You NEED to read more!]
Holy Shit! Man Refuses to Clean Toilet After Pope Francis Does His Business There

Philadelphia, PA – 9/28/15

Pete Alfani had the surprise of his life yesterday afternoon when Pope Francis, in town to conduct a massive mass, stopped by his pizzeria to relieve himself. Alfani, a life-long Catholic, was shocked to see the pristine-robed Francis enter around 2pm and ask permission to use the facilities.

“I couldn’t believe it!” Alfani said. “The pope! The actual pope! In my pizzeria!”

The Pope, it is said, greeted Alfani and his employees warmly, then spent several minutes...

[Read the rest of this shitty story by clicking here.]
Attorney Charges Martin Shkreli 50 Times Her Normal Rate - 12/18/15

Following his arrest on securities fraud, Martin Shkreli, the infamous pharmaceutical price-gouger and guy you probably beat up in high school, was released on a $5 million bond.

Shkreli simultaneously achieved international renown and condemnation when his company, Turing Pharmaceuticals, raised the price of Daraprim, a necessary drug for people with toxoplasmosis, from $13.50 per pill to $750 per pill. He is now being accused of running his companies like a Ponzi scheme, falsifying statements, inventing phony loan agreements, and overcharging fees.

​[We won't overcharge you to read the rest of the story.]
Bird's Eye View: The Dangers of Overreaction - 12/18/15

On June 28th, 1914, a young Yugoslav nationalist named Gavrilo Princip, not quite twenty years old and dying of tuberculosis, spotted the vehicle of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand as it attempted to reverse along Franz Joseph Street. Princip was one of seven conspirators sent by the Black Hand to assassinate the Archduke, the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne. An earlier attempt on the Archduke’s life had failed when a bomb thrown by co-conspirator Nedeljko Čabrinović bounced off the Archduke’s car, injuring two of Ferdinand’s guards. The attack caused Governor Oskar Potiorek to alter the Archduke’s planned route of return. Ironically, Ferdinand was attempting to visit the injured guards when his driver, apparently unaware of the route change...

[Read more and share your thoughts.]