Ahmadinejad to Lead Global Douchebag Summit

Tehran, Iran

Iranian “President” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has announced plans to lead a Global Douchebag Summit in Tehran next month. Bashar al-Assad of Syria, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, and Hugo Chavez of Venezuela will all be in attendance, as will somewhat less-famous but perhaps even bigger douchebags, like Isaias Afewerki of Eritrea, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, and Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan. Vladimir Putin of Russia was invited, but may not attend. The conference is being advertised as “the who’s who of douchebags.”
To determine who should be invited, Ahmadinejad’s people developed a checklist. Has the person murdered his own people? Has he murdered other people with impunity? Has he been “president” for more than twenty years? Has he eliminated freedom of the press? The more the answer was yes, the more likely that person was to get an invitation. It also helped if you deny the Holocaust, consider the U.S. a “great satan,” and like to wear sunglasses, even when they are completely unnecessary. 

“We truly hope that every influential douchebag from around the world will attend,” Ahmadinejad said. 

Iran itself will be contributing not only Ahmadinejad, but the official Grand Douchebag, Ayatollah Khamenei.

The meeting is scheduled to take place over five days. The Iranian government has released some of the topics which will be discussed, including “Why We Hate the Jews,” “Why We Really Hate the Jews,” and “Why We Really, Really Hate the Jews.” Other topics will be, “Stopping Facebook (Which Was Started by a Jew),” “Oy, Gevalt! The Jews!,” and “How to Concentrate Our Hatred on the Great Satan, the United States – and, of course, the Jews.” 

Each douchebag dictator is expected to bring an entire entourage of whackos, idiots, and murderous scumbags. However, douchebags will only be allowed one scumbag at the actual summit, which will be held underground at the Praise Allah and Pass the Ammunition Amphitheater. 

-Eleanor McKinley, Ross Rants reporter
Copyright © 2012. Ross Rosenfeld. All rights reserved.
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