Seth Rogen Leads Disciples to Colorado

11/27/12

Seth Rogen, the writer/actor who has appeared in such hits as Superbad and Knocked Up, has begun leading a growing group of supporters from California to Colorado in an effort to find what he calls the “Higher Land.”

In the wake of Colorado’s legalization of marijuana, Mr. Rogen has emerged as a “modern-day Brigham Young,” with devoted followers willing to travel with him through many a weed in order to get weed.
Like Jesus and his disciples, Mr. Rogen and his adherents are traversing the earth on foot, seeking more members as they advance on their quest to higher ground. They have been on the road for over two weeks now. Their progress has been hampered by organizational problems, indecisiveness, and the apparent need to stop at a White Castle every forty-five minutes. Still, they advance, slowly but surely, toward the great Rocky Mountain state.

Rogen, who wears only a sweatshirt, jeans, and what he affectionately calls a “Jew-fro,” seems to be headstrong in his determination to reach his goal.

“We will not be deterred,” he told us, as we strode alongside him through Arizona. “Nothing can make us stop. Nothing. We simply will not be de- Shit! Is that a Burger King?” He threw up his hands to halt the procession. “OK, everyone, let’s stop.”

Over some fries, Mr. Rogen reiterated his position.

“We have a chance to form a modern Utopia,” he said. “Imagine: there will be weed, and plenty of it. And hot dogs. And weed. And women. And weed. And if I haven’t mentioned it…WEED! A-he-he-he…And ya know what the best part is?” he asked.

“What?” we said.

“The fuckin’ weed!" he said. "Haven’t you been listening? I mean, an entire state - two, actually - just made marijuana legal! It’s like Bob Dylan’s wet dream come true! I would’ve never thought this could happen. It fulfills one of my two all-time fantasies; now if I could just be jailed with a dozen Playmates desperate for dick, my life will be complete.”

Unfortunately for Seth, that one’s going to have to wait. Right now he is on a mission.

The group currently has over a thousand members, and Rogen expects it will break five thousand by the time they reach Colorado, which he predicts won’t take more than a couple of months, so long as they can either find a compass or figure out which way is east.
“We’ve had some who couldn’t hack it,” he said. “And the occasional crisis, such as the incident that’s come to be known as the Dolan Springs Dorito Mutiny. But all in all I think I’ve done a fairly good job of keeping order. Fortunately, most of these people are too stoned to argue anyway. And if they do argue, I just pull them close and go, ‘Hey, did I mention we’re headed toward a giant state filled with weed?’ That usually does the trick.”

-Kurt Alva and Golda Rubin, Ross Rants reporters
The Messiah of Potheads?
Go east, young stoner, go east!